By: Fahad Alden, College of Fine Arts, Humanities, and Social Sciences Well-Being Leader
We learn a lot in school—how to do math, how to read, and how to write in cursive (which, sorry, Ms. Curro, I still can’t do). But one thing we don’t learn is how to stand up for ourselves.
Over the years, I’ve learned a lot beyond how to give the perfect handshake or how most meetings could’ve been emails. The biggest lesson I’ve learned as an adult? The importance of standing up for yourself.
I could tell you about all the lessons I had to learn the hard way, but here’s the most important one: the importance of standing up for yourself because no one else is going to. When we are young, we are often told not to be bystanders and to stand up for others. I’ve noticed, however, that as we get older, this message gets lost in translation, leaving it up to us to stand up for ourselves.
The first step to learning how to stand up for yourself is to start by identifying your needs and what you won’t tolerate. Knowing your boundaries helps you stay firm in what you will and what you won’t accept from others. For example, I can handle some dark humor, but putting down my interests or throwing me under the bus for something that wasn’t my fault? That’s where I draw the line. I have the right to decide what I tolerate, and by knowing my boundaries, it becomes easier to enforce them.
It is important to not let others decide your boundaries for you. I had someone in my life that bullied me for years on end, and when others told me to brush it off, it only made things worse, as that person felt entitled to continue their behavior. It also led me to engage in this negative behavior myself, which was not healthy for me. It is important to prevent yourself from reaching a point where you are adding gas to the fire.
Before you confront the issue, take time for yourself to reflect and prepare what you will say. I’ve never been someone who can talk slowly or calmly when angry—it’s just not in my nature. I’m Iraqi, so I have that fire in me for sure; we’re passionate people… we speak with our hands, we hug, we kiss, and most importantly, we are passionate about injustice.
Knowing this about me, I try to take a day for myself before I decide to work a situation out with someone. So, I take a moment, calm down, and then explain the situation to them in a reasonable tone. Whether the topic is crude jokes or money owed, expressing why something was hurtful is the most important part. Focusing on “I” statements reassures the person I am speaking to that I am not attacking them, but rather trying to open the dialogue.
When preparing a message, remember to always be honest. Being real with yourself and others can lighten the load. For example, someone once snapped at me because they were having a bad day. They apologized, and I thanked them for that, but I didn’t say it was okay. It’s never okay to take your frustration out on someone else, and I did not want to enable this behavior by deeming it okay. Transparency is a value I hold close to me, so I try to practice it in my everyday life.
Don’t say something is fine if it’s not and then explode later. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Easy.
If this article spoke to you, take some time to read through the rest of our blog posts – you might discover another story that speaks to you.
Image: https://www.yourtango.com/