For as long as I can remember, Disney has been a huge part of my life, from going over to my grandmother’s house and falling asleep to Dumbo on the VCR, to my uncle taking me to Disney On Ice every year at TD Garden.

Possibly the biggest influence Disney has had on my life came from my stepmother, Tina Lavallee, the biggest Mickey Mouse fan anyone in my life has ever known. Anything with Mickey Mouse on it, she needed, from the hand sanitizer keychains from the Dollar Tree to most of her kitchen appliances. I remember one time sleeping over and her asking if I wanted a grilled cheese, and her coming back with a grilled cheese with Mickey Mouse stamped clean on it.

Tragically, we lost Tina when I was fifteen years old due to her getting COVID-19 while having multiple sclerosis. I was destroyed. Because she had always been a part of my life, I couldn’t sleep for about a month. I dragged my mattress off my bed and into my mother’s room so there would be someone with me, because I couldn’t be alone.

When I signed up for this trip, as childish as it may seem from an outsider’s perspective, going to a city with such historical and cultural significance, I knew I needed to spend my free days at Disneyland Paris, because my connection with the things she loved is the closest I get to seeing her again.

I asked my father if I could wear one of her favorite dresses to Disney, the one she had worn to Disney World. It had R2-D2 on it. I think it was hard for him to let me take it out of the country, but he knew Tina would want it to see Disneyland Paris.

My boyfriend and I started this weekend waking up early to get there as soon as the park opened. I immediately noticed the name of the stop we were getting off at, that’s right in Disneyland: Marne-la-Vallée—Chessy. It had her last name, Lavallee, right in the name, and I was shocked. I didn’t expect such a blatant reminder of her right off the bat, but I know she would’ve loved it so much.

We went on tons of rides and got Disney themed food, but a problem arose when it started to get too hot outside for me to handle. I noticed people walking around with spray bottle fans, and I went to the gift shop to look for some. They were sold out, but then I saw that behind the counter they had a cooling towel. I couldn’t read many of the words on it due to it being entirely in French, but I knew what it was because I remembered my stepmother’s sister-in-law brought one out at her son’s graduation party and showed me how it worked. These ones were different, though, because they were Paris-themed, and it ended up being super helpful to me.

I sat in the shade with my cooling towel for a bit and decided to call my stepmother’s sister-in-law, Rosie, to tell her all about it. She was so excited about the cooling towels and the name of the train stop, and she even said how much Tina would’ve loved it. That made me really happy, getting to talk to someone close to her about her while being there.

Leaving the Disney park, I looked everywhere for a souvenir for my dad, who loves Star Wars, but I couldn’t find anything I could deem good enough for him. I tried to stay around for as long as possible, but looking back, I was really just trying to delay leaving the park so I could chase the feeling of connection that Disney has to my stepmother. Seeing every Mickey Mouse stuffed animal, T-shirt, and mug reminded me of the hundreds, maybe thousands, of Mickey Mouse things in her collection. Saying goodbye to Disney felt as if I was walking away from something that was so deeply intertwined with her. So, I asked my boyfriend if we could make it a goal to go to every Disney park someday, and when he said yes, I felt as if it wasn’t goodbye, it was “I will see you next time.”